Inside Out...
You'd think I would have learned about the politics of the education system last year... but I guess not. Found out today, that my "Service Contract" will be terminated on March 31 of this year. For me, that isn't such a big deal - only 2 hours a week... but for others, it means their jobs! It means their apartments and their bills and their cars. All because one person complained. Is it really that easy? Is it really those who whine and cry who win in the end. Man, have I been barking up the wrong tree if that's the case.
So, now, in a school with 70% special needs, 30% reading at least 2 grade levels behind, 80% of the student population on meds... let's take away the extra support! Makes sense to me. Let's leave 25 ADD kids alone with the teacher... and see how long that lasts. It doesn't make sense to me, to once again put the kids last. Makes no sense what-so-ever. These kids already have every disadvantage possible, and now, let's take away those who actually care about their progress and how they do.
I am pulling my hair out over this...
Perhaps I am some sort of feminist at heart. Perhaps I am trying to fight the good fight - fight everyone else's fight. Maybe I am just tired of people making comments without thinking or without mallice and yet that is what they are. Maybe I am just too hard on everybody else. Maybe my expectations are unreachable.
But when I hear people calling themselves a sissy - it really gets my blood boiling. Because it is things like that - comments like that, that help to mold and shape who we become. And it is also those comments that create negative self images in us, and help to perpetuate the stereotypes we have worked hard to eliminate.
A sissy is one of the worst comments to make. Parents call there sons that when they are trying to insult them. Kids use it to tease other kids at school to make a point. And the bottom line, is that they are insulting there "manhood" by calling them something which typically descibes a woman.
Why is it that it is so terrible to be a woman? Or to show "feminine" traits? Perhaps if more men did, then woman would be more willing to try. But instead... they have to be macho and tough and strong. Such nonsense.
And then they finally let it go and show emotion other than anger and then they are thought to be sissy's. Because let's face it - that's what girls do - cry.
"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast"
I am sitting at the computer on my break, getting some work done...and out of the corner of my eye I see him watching me. Not an in an creepy way, but like he is dumbfounded or lost in thought. Just watching.
"Miss Jaime, I have a question to ask you." He says this like it is a matter of life or death. The thoughts that come into my head then are far fetched and out there - but how often do you have a 12 year old come up to you and with one sentnece make you feel like your whole life is going to be broadcasted and judged. I was expectin a deeply personal and inappropriate question to be asked...something where I was going to have to be quick witted and wise. I am fantastic at bull shitting my way through things...but suddenly, I am feely nervous, hands clammy and stomach dropping.
"How do you type so fast?" Thats's it! That was the million dollar question! I just about fell off my chair. He walked away before I could even manage an answer. It was like he was awe struck at seeing someone type with any sort of speed. I am not the fastest typer to ever use a computer, but considering I peck at the computer... you'd be amazed.
Look at that 2 smiles in one day. First a valentine, and then Paul Andrew. God I love my job.
Something happened at school yesterday that really has me thinking. I arrived to find a Valentine waiting for me from one of my grade 6 boys. A student who is nice enough, always polite to me, but just has the absolute worst timing in the world. He will ask me for something, while I am in the middle of holding someone's snack, consoling a crying child, doing up another's jacket, breaking up the third fight in 5 minutes and trying to keep everyone moderately quiet. And he wants to know if I will be there for gym after recess!?!?!?! Ummmm...I AM THE GYM TEACHER! Of course I will be there. Sigh... he's just a kid, but when I have 25 little voices calling my name and asking questions and whing and crying and complaining... every little bit adds up. But in the end... maybe my answering his questions as patiently as I can possibly manage - maybe that little bit helps. Even if it does lead to me pulling my hair out later. And yet, he was the one who gave me a Valentine.
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.
Also, found out that people actually read this thing, with all my nonsense and ramblings...scary thought. I know that occasionally people may happen to find it and check it out, but I'm talking about people I know! Flattering and yet scary! Talk about pressure...
Whatever will I find to talk about next???
Had a dream today...or perhaps it was my alter reality...either way, it was a nice escape from this dreary weather, and tired state I find myself in.
This thought has never occured to me before, but I think that there is almost nothing sexier than a man chopping wood. And it makes no difference to me whether it is winter and he is wearing layers, or if it is in the summer and he has a wife beater on. Sigh... And I never thought this until this scenerio that I have in my head. I think I would like to go to a ski lodge - and not ski. Do people do that? Go there for the atmosphere and not for the activity?
I have been having the desire to go and "play" in the snow. Not sure why, considering it has been bone chilling cold out there, but I guess I am longing for someone to do that with. Someone I can be silly like that with. I have had those people in the past, I have done that in the past - and I wish for it again. I wish for a lot of things again. Why is that?
I finally get my life to the point I want it to be - and I am looking backwards and hoping for all of that jazz again. I have issues.
Another thought occured to me today. Movies are fake. DUH! I know they are, but when you are transfromed from your life into another relam, you forget that, and it occured to me, after watching Out of Time (Denzel = yummy!), that none of that is real. The scenes aren't real. The lines aren't real. The emotions being portrayed aren't real. So why do we watch these movies? Why do we send dollar after dollar and hour after hour watching them? Do we all really have shitty lives that we need to escape for a few hours?
Hmmm.
I give up.
I refuse to play this game any longer. I will do what I do best and pull back. I must do it before it is done to me. People have already slipped through my fingers. Just the way it goes I guess. It is happening again, and I just don't have the fight in me anymore.
So... I give up.
Centrum from A-Z
A - Age : 26
B - Band listening to right now: Nelly Furtado - Powerless
C - Career in future: teacher
D - Dad's name: David
E - Easiest person to talk to: Tanya
F - Favourite song at the moment: The Choking Kind - Joss Stone
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: both - but probably worms
H - Hometown: Montreal, PQ
I - Instrument/s: musical? surgical? none /none
K - Kids: not any of my own
L - Longest car ride ever: here to PEI... can't remember the number of it was around16
M - Mom's name: Jean
N - Number of siblings: 2
P - Phobia[s]: heights
Q - Favourite Quote: "I used to complain I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet"
R - Reason to smile: my life is finally headed in the right direction
S - Song you sang last: She Bangs - Ricky Martin
T - Time you wake up: when my alarm goes off - too early
U - Unknown fact about me: I broke my collarbone when I was 3
V - Vegetable you hate: mushrooms!
W - Worst habit: procrastionating
X - X-rays you've had: various bones
Y - Yummy food: cheese cake
Z - Zodiac sign: Libra
25 Things about ME!
1. My story began in September 1977
2. My favorite book is Catcher in the Rye
3. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a dog as a pet
4. I have a younger sister and younger brother
5. My brother is a cop
6. I have 2 degrees, and am planning to go for my Master’s
7. I love watching NCAA basketball on TV
8. I have a strong preference for Coke over Pepsi
9. I am addicted to 24
10. I LOVE Survivor!
11. The Montreal Canadiens are my favorite sports team
12. I am a die hard Canadian
13. When I was 3, I broke my collar bone, falling out of bed
14. My first music concert was Bryan Adams and Mitsou! Together!
15. I have seen The Lion King on Broadway
16. I am an early riser
17. I am a night hawk
18. I currently teach phys ed part time
19. I HATE mushrooms
20. I have seen Chicago on Broadway
21. I have a tendency to over analyze things
22. I stress out very easily
23. My dream destination is Australia
24. My brother is getting married in August of 2005
25. I am the Queen of procrastinating
"Portrait of a Stranger"
I was on the metro today, coming home after a relaxing weekend, and I was witness to something, that hours later, I am still thinking about.
I was sitting there, reading a book, being easily distracted - as only I can be - and I saw a girl - a bit younger than me, sketching the guy sitting across from her - again a bit younger than me, with a slight Eminem resemblence. This same girl had been drawing another picture at the station, while we waited for the metro... and then she gets into her car, and sits down, and is transported into another world. Or at least, from my perspective it was another world.
I sat there, and watched the two strangers exist in what was their own little universe. Normally, I try not to stare at people - no matter the circumstances - but this time I just couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene that was unfolding. It was like they were enclosed in a a bubble. Completely separated from the rest of the passengers...the rest of the world. It was as if I was watching from afar. Watching a love story unfold. He sat there quietly, watching her draw him. They didn't know one another before this chance encounter... and yet now there was a level of intimacy between them, that I envy. It was like this powerful connection between two unknowns - and it was like I was baring witness to this. Then, just as suddenly as the affair began, it ended. Just like that. He got up, smiled and got off the metro. But not before writing his name (and the romantic in me, hopes, his number) for this girl who is now left empty and wanting, holding an unfinished portrait of a stranger. I watched her for a few more stops, until it was her turn to return to her life, and she got up and walked out. Gone forever.
I sat there for the rest of my ride, wondering if they will ever meet again, if one day they will be telling their grandchildren the story of how they met.
I may not have faith in love for me, but for one instant, I saw the possibility out there. The endless possibilities... And then we arrived at my stop - and I returned to my life. My cynical, pessimistic existence.
But for a moment, I almost believed in something better. Almost.
Do you ever clench your teeth so hard you could bite a rock in two?
Do you ever need to scream so loud that the mountains would crumble in an instant?
Do you ever wish you could have one person to truly confide in, but then realize that people only half live up to your standards and that you're truly alone in the world?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep so hard that your face hurts the next morning?
Do you ever search for the right words to convey your feelings only to find that no word could truly express how you feel and you end up more depressed and crushed than you began?
Do you ever wish you could just live in your dreams and try in vain for the sleep that hardly ever comes?
Do you ever fall so deeply into despair that it's not the real you that converses with people daily? Like you know you're in there somewhere but you either can't, won't, or don't know how to bring yourself to the surface?
Do you try to tell yourself that it'll all be over soon, just to make yourself feel alright for the time being, but you really know that you will never stop being haunted?
Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try to hold on, everything just seems to be slipping through your fingers?
Do you ever feel that the things you want most in life always seem to be just out of your grasp?
Do you ever feel like you are always waiting. Waiting for someone to care. Waiting for someone to call. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Do you ever feel - anything? Or everything.
I am suddenly feeling content with where things are, and with where things are headed. Odd feeling for me. Rare. I seem to have higher expectations than I lead myself and perhaps others to believe. Most things in life, aren't enough for me. Most people aren't either. Which isn't to say I think I am better than anything or anyone - but that I grow tired and bored quickly. But somehow, I am content with where thigns stand. The problem in this arises when that feeling of content comes crashing down around me, leaving me to feel like I have lost more than I had to begin with. I tend to let go of people rather quickly and ideas rather quickly. I tend to "give up" - or perhaps it is more so that I don't care enough to begin with. That's probably true. You can never let yourself care about something so much that you get wrecked by the end result. Love can do that to you. So can loss. Perhaps they are one in the same. I have always had just enough friends to keep me happy. I have allowed a small number into my heart, but it seems to me, that in the end it is those that cause me the most hurt and pain. I know that sounds logical, seeing as how I did let them in, but I let them in with the assumtion that I was making the right decision... but it's true what they say - all good things comes to an end. Perhaps it is just that time.
A reason? A season? Or a lifetime?
Perhaps, lifetime doesn't exist.
