Inside Out...
I am tired of feeling stupid. I try to surround myself with smart people. People who will broaden my horizons and challenge my views, and make me think. But instead I just end up feeling stupider. I'm not a dumb person, but sometimes I just feel like I am not good enough to achieve my goals. No, I don't feel like I am good enough to have the opportunity to achieve my goals. My fate will lie in the hands of a few, who don't know me from Jane or Bob. I'm sure they are very nice people as well, but why should they get in over me? Then again - what makes me so great that I should get in over them? Grades aren't supossed to be the be all to end all, but they are when it comes to school. My goal is to teach my students that their worth is NOT to be found in a grade or a mark. I never learned that lesson, or perhaps I did, but too late. And now that it does matter, I will be left behind with the rest of the "stupid" people. Or perhaps, it will just be me.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference!"
Tomorrow is another day. That is what I have to keep telling myself. Tomorrow is another day. Perhaps the other shoe has dropped. Well, it isn't so much that, I just wish things in life were easier. I know everyone wishes for that, and that if life were that easy, it would be no fun, but who says it would be no fun? Maybe life would be perfect for everyone then and we would live in a perfect world. I hate making decisions, and for any of you who have ever gone shopping with me, you know exactly what I am talking about. I especially hate making decisions when other people are involved. Sigh... just don't know anymore.
Tomorrow is another day...
So, I feel as if I am holding my breath - waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you know what I mean? Things are falling into place. Slowly. My life finally seems to be headed in the right direction - and maybe even on the right path. That is a good thing...so then why do I feel like the shit is about to hit the fan. I have been given yet another oportunity - it has been dropped in my lap... and now the question remains, what will I do with it. I can either stay here for thesummer, or go back to camp, where I have been thinking about returning to since I stepped off the bus last August. I guess the real question remains, is it brave to stick it out here, or to leave and head back to the land of certainty... things that make you go, hmmmm.
Some things never change... no matter how long you go without speaking... some relationships will always just pick up where they left off. Such a comforting feeling. Wish I had more of those.
So, not sure if I already mentioned - but I have a coaching position already lined up for next year. How sweet is that!?! Guess that means I will be back here. : ) Went to check out a "Woman's League" (a definite sign I am getting old), last night, and was pleased with what I saw. May go next week and play some ball... it has been a long time. Too long.
And now, I must go enjoy the weather... it is afterall only -23. Quite warm!
I am off to a place I have not been to in years. Wow. I can't even remember the last time. I will no doubt be hit ith memories past, and or people and a time I have since all but forgotten. Going to be very wierd. Am slightly nervous. Everything will be so different. Feel so different. But maybe I can make some new memories there. That may be true, but it is the old ones that will keep me thinking... sigh... the good, the bad, and the Spartans.
"This used to be my Playground..."
24 wasn't on tonight! ARGH! Stinkin' Presendential address...
It's true. I have issues.
So, suddenly I am feeling ambitious. Not sure where it came from, or why all of a sudden, but I have finally decided to get off my cute, but lazy ass, and do something with this thing I call life. I am going to go back to school. I know I know, as a teacher, I guess I never really left, but I am going to go back as a student - in the fromal sense of the word. I want to get my Masters! I know, I just spent the last 21 years of my life in school, to try to get to this place in my life, and I am there, and suddenly, it's like it isn't enough for me anymore. I want more. I always want more. Perhaps that is why I can never stick with one thing or person for very long - because I need more. Not necessarily better, but something different. So, I am now in the midst of filling out pages and pages of application forms, and re-evaluating my life in a way that will sound good on paper.
What is my purpose? What is my intent? WHY? WHY? WHY? Please, bullshit - don't fail me now!
In addition, I am also going to take some english courses through distance ed. AND... I just found out, that there may be a coaching position available for next year... and it would be with one of my very best friends! Well, one of my best friends from the past... and hopefully of the future. Maybe not all hope is lost yet!
So, now in addtion to teaching, I will be taking night classes, doing distance ed classes, coaching and volunteering. Am I insane?
Perhaps. But, I am more productive when I am busy.
Insanity at it's best!!!
I am so indecisive...that I do those profile things that come in your emails, just to make me choose. Whether it is favorite movie or favorite food or favorite season... those questions allow me to reflect and decide something. To pick a favorite something.
Interesting.
I never really thought about it before... but I do now realize that I never used to have opinions. It is only after I have been forced to pick something, whether it be a course in university or a movie rental or a pair of socks, that I realize I do.
Now, if only I could pick the right people to surround myself with!
Something's off.
Don't know what it is, or how it came to be, but something just doesn't feel right. Which always means, I should take a few steps back and analyze the situation objectively. Which in my world - means put the walls back up.
..... Done.
I find it a bit disconcerting when people don't take me seriously. Or when people don't bother to even pretend to listen to me. I finally have the drive to do something, and it isn't even worth pretending. Why do I bother? Really, why do I put in the effort to listen ot others, to ask about other's, to care... when in return I get little - if that.
And yet, I am the fool, because once someone comes calling - I will be there, without a second thought. Sigh...
Note to self: grow a spine!
It's funny how things can be the exact same, and yet be different. I went out last night with my best friend from high school. We were as close as any two people could have been. We were inseperable, and knew everything about one another, and were together every chance we had. We have kept in touch over the years, via email and by the phone and even with some visits, but things have changed. Makes me a bit sad. This was the person I was sure would be there always, and vice versa. The person that when I envisioned the future - she was right there by my side. We hung out yesterday - caught up on all the gossip, remembered the past... and yet it was different. I found myself thinking about what once was, and no longer is. I was thinking about other people, and friendships I have formed with them since I moved to Ontario. There were inevitable things that were to happen when I moved. That's what happens. People move on. People grow up. People change. But I never thought that would be the case with her and I.
Sigh.
Makes me sad.
It is friggin cold! Can I say -41 today! It's bad enough it is in the negatives.... but then to be so cold that you freeze in an instant. I NEVER want to visit Alaska! Not that I ever did - but I am more convinced of this than ever! Do they even make clothes thick enough to withstand this lethal windshield????
On My Own
I'm wiser now
I'm not the foolish girl you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it your way
But now I need to do it all alone
And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'll keep it real you know
Time for me to do it on my own
Yeah yeah, mmm, yeah yeah
It's over now
I can't go back to living through your eyes
Too many lines
And if you don't know by now
I can't go back to being someone else
Not anymore
I never had a chance to do things my way
So now it's time for me to take control
And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know
Time for me to do it
Oh I start again go back to one
I'm running things my way
Can't stop me now, I've just begun
Don't even think about it
There ain't no way about it
I'm taking names, the ones of mine
Yes I'm gonna take my turn
It's time for me to finally stand alone, stand alone
I am not afraid to try it on my own
And I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know
It's time for me to do it
See I'm not afraid
What do I want?
I want to enjoy my family and friends. I want good health. I want fish. I want to go to Australia. I want to go back to Manitou. I want to be able to pursue my dreams. I want to go to places I planned on going to. I want to be able to do the things that others say I can't do. I want to prove them wrong. I want to see a Habs game. I want to get my Masters. I want to pave the way for others. I want to be good, I want to be strong, I want to be wise. I want others to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be able to read the books I've shelved over the years. I want to remember everyone's little and big kindnesses. I want to make a difference, little ones and big ones, every single day. I want to renew old friendships. I want to forget. I want to remember. I want to trust. I want to have faith. I want love. I want to live. I want to continue to have no regrets. I want to be loved. I want to be important to someone. I want to coach. I want to teach. And in the end, this for me shall suffice. Besides, I don’t want much, right???
I’ve recently seen promos for an upcoming movie called “Miracle,” where Disney is attempting to recreate one of the most significant sporting events in history: the historic American defeat of the Soviet Union in Olympic hockey. Will Disney be able to duplicate the magic, no pun intended, of this significant event? I have my doubts.
The “Miracle” takes place during the 1980 Olympics at Lack Placid, NY, and the title is derived from a quote during the final seconds of the game. When victory for the United States became apparent, Al Michaels uttered one of the greatest calls in sports broadcast history: “Do you believe in miracles?” Ever since then the game has always been referred to as the “Miracle on Ice.” There were numerous sub-plots to this game; Democracy vs. Communism, amateurs vs. the paid professionals, the ongoing hostage crisis and an overall discontent with then President Jimmy Carter. This victory by the USA amateur team served as a boost to the American psyche, which was very fragile during this time. It will be interesting to see if it can be captured within the movie.
Why am I skeptical? Since the script has already been written it should be easy to make a movie like this, right? Yes and no. You only need to think of the most recent movies “Ali” and “61” which both fell short of capturing the aura to which defined the moments being portrayed. Don’t get me wrong, there have been sport movies that I loved, but there is distinct difference in these movies. Hollywood has found success in creating fictional moments and characters in movies like “Hoosiers” and “The Rookie,” which are both revered as classic sports movies. Whenever there is an attempt to recreate that which is true, the movie seems to lack when comparing it to the real thing.
It’s difficult to duplicate real life dramatic sporting moments on the big screen. Some of these moments are so amazing, that they enter the realm of unbelievable. I think back to a quote during the recent Monday Night Football game between the Green Bay Packers and Oakland Raiders. Brett Favre, the quarterback for the Packers, was playing the game with a heavy heart. His father had passed away the previous day and there was doubt whether or not he would even play in this critical game that would determine the playoff status for the Packers. After discussing it with family and friends, Brett decided to play. He called a private meeting with his teammates and informed them that he had made a commitment to them, and intended on keeping it. The meeting was very emotional and the team seemed to rally around Favre in his time of need. The football field became his escape, and escape he did into a near perfect game. After Favre had thrown his 4th touchdown pass, Al Michaels, who was calling the game, stated “You could not give this script to Hollywood; they would throw it out because no one would believe it”. He was right. Some moments were meant to remain original and can not be duplicated.
And besides... wasn't the greatest hockey series ever - Canada vs Russia in '72?
Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
1. procrastinating
2. stressing
3. over-analysing
4. football players
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1. an apartment of my own
2. a job
3. faith
4. basketball
Name Four Scents You Love:
1. Chad’s deodorant
2. the air before it rains
3. candles
4. Drakkar Noir
Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
1. fur
2. tube tops
3. suade
4. hooker boots
Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. how tired I am
2. everything I have to do tomorrows for this week
3. my lesson
4. eating
Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1. riden the bus
2. played the Sims
3. talked on the phone
4. did a puzzle
Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
1. TLC Greatest Hits CD
2. Cheryl Crow Greatest Hits CD
3. junk food
4. bus pass
Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. coke
2. milk : )
3. orange juice
4. water
Last Song You Sang?
Powerless – Nelly Furtado
Last Person You Hugged?
Tanya’s Aunt
Last Thing You Laughed At?
a commercial on tv
Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It?
a few days ago
Last Time You Cried?
a few days ago – been a long week
What's In Your CD Player?
TLC
What Color Socks Are You Wearing?
barefoot
What's Under Your Bed?
nothing
What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
9:30
Current Taste?
coke
Current Hair?
needs to be cut and highlighted
Current Clothes?
grey Yoga pants and one of my brother’s shirts
Current Annoyance?
the snow
Current Longing?
sleep
Current Desktop Picture?
Detroit Lions Logo
Current Worry?
no job…
Current Hate?
no time for hate - other than the cold weather
Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
eyes
Last CD You Bought?
TLC and Sheryl Crow
Favorite Place To Be?
West Island or Lasalle
Least Favorite Place?
home
Favorite Color?
blue
Current Favorite Word/Saying?
ghetto
Favorite Season?
summer
One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
Goafer
Favorite Car?
Mustang or Tiburon
"Soulmate". I wonder what this word truly entails. I mean, it's an interesting concept, although one I'm not sure I believe in. In my mind, that would mean there is only one perfect person out there for you, and that is just too far fetched of an idea to me. I mean really, what are the odds that you will meet the one person that was created just for you? Of the millions and millions of people out there, why would anyone be so lucky? Maybe I am wrong - maybe it doesn't mean that there is only one perfect person out there for each of us, maybe there are several. Maybe someone is only perfect while you love them. It is only when the relationship doesn't work out, that suddenly there are faults. It's true what they say - "You don't know what you got til it's gone" - but it is even truer that "You don't know what you were missing until it arrives". I think about my brother and Katie being "soulmates" - and for some reason I tend to agree with that. They have something I haven't seen in a lot of couples. It can be nausiating - but then again, a lot of things can have that effect. It is refreshing to see them together. Maybe it is because they were young when it started - young even still. Perhaps it is because it takes someone special to put up with and want to marry my brother! But despite what people say, I have a feeling that this one may just go the distance. Who knows, maybe soulmates do exist - and maybe they were some of the lucky ones to actually get to meet that one true love. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
2003 in review (according to month)
January -
- gave in to the idea of getting a new dog - and did - he's cute as anything
- stressed out over all of the assisgnments due
- first basketball tournament - we sucked it up
February -
- got to see Chad and Tanya at one of my basketball tournaments - visited Niagara Falls in the winter!
- still stressing over school!
March -
- March Break - things can change in an instant
- more DAFIB issues!
April -
- teacher testing!
- Provincials - 2 steps back, even if we did win a medal!
May -
- FINALLY done with university
June -
- graduation
- Tanya coming down to visit
- Precamp!
July -
- the accident at camp
- Canoe Trip
- PEP's
- John & Katie got engaged!
August -
- camp ended :(
- Howie's funeral
September -
- moved to Montreal!
- my birthday - turned 26
October -
- went to see Chicago!
- dressed up for Halloween
November -
- first subbing day!
- Detroit Lions game!
December -
- got a job!
*all in all - NO REGRETS!*
It sure has been a while. A new year has come upon me, and am unsure what to do with it. I spent the changing of the year, in bed. Sleeping. I hope that isn't a sign of what is to come in 2004. I like to think it is more a sign that 2003 tired me out to the point that I couldn't even make it through the night! Wishful thinking.
Any regrets from 2003? I don't think so. I always like to say that I have no regrets, about anything - that life is too short for that. Which is all true. Life is too short - which was proved this past summer. A life can be taken from you just like that, with no warning or preparation. And then people become full of regret and guilt. I included. How can a year truly be good, when something of that magnitude happens? I'm not sure it can be. It is like this grey cloud constantly looming over - not completely obvious, but always there, just out of reach, but ready to show up just when things start going well.
My goals for 2004 are simple. Not to have any regrets at this time next year. Really, that means don't make any completely unforgivable mistakes that would be disasterous. I will of course make bad choices and even worse decisions, but those are a part of living. Things happen for a reason. I have given up making resolutions. One shouldn't need a specific date to want to start to change something. I believe the person who thought up New Years Resolutions was a procrastinator. It's like Valentine's Day. Why should there be one day set aside for people to tell others they love and care about them? Nonsense. That is simply a marketing ploy to make money. I'm not down with that. To me, it means little if someone tells me they love me on Valentine's Day. That is what they are supossed to do - what about the other 364 days of the year??
Thanks, but no thanks.
