Inside Out...
It's very odd how my mind works. I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine, a friend who I have known for years, is engaged and pregnant. How is it that my first thought is that she is trapped and that she is making a HUGE mistake!?! That her life is over!?! I think Zoe is the best thing to have happened to Chantal, she is a complete joy, but I just can't help but feel anxiety for Kris...
That is so awful. It is awful that that is my mentality, that my frame of mind is so completely jaded, my heart so shut off.
Sigh...
Sometimes
Sometimes the world is so far away,
reality is just out of touch,
and we are alone in the world we have created,
sometimes it is happy there,
sometimes, sometimes you want to cry,
you give me a reason
to reach for the world we all share,
you make me happy
and allow me to care.
Have you ever felt like you knew someone a long, long time ago?
Another place, another time, a friendship of the souls?
Two people who share a bond for reasons neither know,
A feeling that they were friends, a long, long time ago?
Did they stumble onto each other by pure circumstance,
Or was it fate and destiny that played a certain hand?
Two souls intertwined, they are worlds apart,
But the soul, it knows no difference, in matters of the heart.
Somehow they are drawn together, fate has brought them back,
Each living worlds apart, they journey separate paths.
When this life is over, and a new life begins,
Their souls will find each other, two souls that we call friends.
When a GIRL is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how
long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.
When a GIRL stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.
When a GIRL lays on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday, she wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says I love you, she means it.
When a GIRL says "I miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than
that.
I seem to be thinking more and more of the past as of late. And I seem to be missing it. Why is it that I only miss things months or years later and not at the time? Why do people not mean enough for me to fight for them at the time, and then I just am filled with saddness and regret - no, not regret, disappointment, that I have yet again, let another one slip away. That my heart is still closed off to the world. no matter how close I may let someone get - it will never be close enough. And so in the end, I push them away, or drive them away and then feel sad about it later. How does that make sense? It is quite obvious that I am going to end up alone - because I can never seem to allow myself to care enough, or the right way.
That's the way it goes I guess. I always seem to be able to go it right, after the individual is long gone.
Time has a way of slipping away, slipping right through your fingers. People are gone before you know it. And it doesn't take long to forget their faces, to forget the sound of their voice. How can someone who means so much to you at one point in your life, suddenly disappear from your memory?
How can I possibly let myself get attached to someone who will eventually flee from my mind and my life. How can I let myself love somebody who will no doubt let me down. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I hope for too much.
All I know is that I miss too many people, and I need too many people, and my heart breaks more and more each day.
"In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields."
My life feels empty.
I fill my days with people and things, and yet I feel as though I have nothing. How does that change? How does one make their life worth something and mean something? Does it take another person to fill that void? Or perhaps something else?
My life feels empty.
