Inside Out...
As I sit here and flip through the channels on the tv, I wonder what makes me do that. What makes me so impatient that I can't just choose one show sit through it? The moment a commercial comes on, the remote is in my hand. I know a lot of people are like that, and then, there are also those who get annoyed by people who do that.
I am convinced (the one good thing that came out of Teacher's College), that I have ADD. I can't seem to sit still for long periods of time. I can't seem to keep my mind on one task, long enough to complete it. I am always doing 40 things at once.
I am beginning to think that I am like the tv when I am flicking through the channels. I have one thought after another, my mind is constantly whirling - thinking about idea after idea, item after item. I get little glimpses of different things.
Not sure if that is good or not, but at least I perhaps know now why I am a channel surfer.
It's odd how things work. How one day you can be talking about someone you haven't seen in years, and the next day you hear bad news about that person.
Creepy.
It makes me realize yet again, just how short life is... because I needed another reminder. And yet, ultimately, it doesn't make me change my ways, or my actions. So, perhaps this is yet another sign that I should maybe just become happier with whoI am, instead of trying to be what and who, everyone else wants me to be.
As good as I am at wearing the masks, and keeping up the facades, eventually it comes down, and then the truth does comes out. I make mistakes. I mess up. I am just me. And really, that won't ever be enough for anyone else, if it isn't good enough for me. So instead of re-evaluating life after every bad thing that happens, maybe I should just think about MY life instead. And so something about it for a change.
It's something to think about.
My thoughts an prayers are with you... JM ...
If you could have one super power, what would it be?
I sometimes think about how others see me, and perceive me. Not so much how they feel about me, but just how they see me through their eyes. Wouldn't life be that much simpler if you knew those kinds of things. There would be no over analysing, no doubtful thoughts, no trying to figure it out and making assumptions. I would be much more content if I could see things through other people's eyes. I may not necessarily like what they see, but at least then I would know. Instead, I feel like I am 12, and I am being treated like I am 12, and maybe there is no need fo that. perhaps it could all just be avoided if I could see things from someone else's perspective.
Often in my dreams, I am not one of the character's, but more the director watching from a far. I am often in the play, but as with theatrics, I know what lines will come, and the feeling and emotion behind them. I am sometimes left wanting, but never confused - because I know where everyone is coming from, and what everyone's intentions are.
I just wish for some clarity in this frosty snow globe I find myself living in.
I try not to ever allow myself to get my hopes up, about anything. And yet I do, somehow. And then I minimize it, because I can't allow it to be too important, just in case. One of my many faults. I can either not make it important, and be ok if it doesn't work out, or build it up, and then be let down when it doesn't happen.
This is a big opportunity for me. This could be my foot in the door. Not sure if people understand that. I know it doesn't sound like much to some, but this is a big deal to me. This could be the break I have been looking for.
Maybe I don't tell people, because I fear they won't be as excited about it as I am. I don't get excited about much - for the same reasons I don't get my hope up... but when I do get excited, I want others to be excited too. Even if that is only for me. Not sure I get the reactions I would like. Makes me think twice about doing it again.
Reminds me of Provincial's weekend. 2 giant steps back...things haven't been the same since.
Love, actually.
I wonder if it actually exists. In the pure form. In the forever form. I see people, couples, and they seem happy. But are they? They look devoted and dedicated and content. But are they really? I love a great number of people, but none in the way that some rave about. Makes me wonder, does it really exist.
The kind of love I am talking about, is the kind where as long as that person is in your life, then the world can crumble around you. The kind where sleeping intertwined is comfortable. And a smile can warm the heart for hours.
Perhaps I am just too cynical for it to exist. Maybe it actually does, and I just can't see it. But as much of a pessimist as I am - I like to think that if it truly existed, it would be able to break down all of my walls and sweep me off my feet.
My knight has yet to arrive...
Don't have much to say, but feel as though I should write. Because if I don't, then my entries become few and far between. Which really, is how I am with most things in life. school, work, working out, friends... if I stop putting an effort in, then I end up stopping period. And then things, and people end up slipping through my fingers...and I end up questioning why.
The new year is quickly approaching, which always leads me into thoughts about the last year and the next one. Regrets and hopes. Accomplishments and defeats. There are always so many. Of both.
Must try to make realistic resolutions this year. I never seem to do that. I always think they are, but in the end... they are unattainable. Not realistic. :( Will have to think about it some more before I decide.
Right now I need to worry some more about the job front. Where is it? Where are all these teaching jobs that were promised? Funny, I trust very few people, and yet, that was one of the things I took at face value. That there were jobs everywhere. That there were more vacancies than people to fill them.
"
Another illusion, I chose to create".
Sigh.
Tomorrow is another day. Whether or not it is another dollar, remains to be seen.
Well, here I am... trying this out. Not sure as of yet what it entails, but I'm sure I will figure it all out and get into the groove quickly enough. I am not very good at getting my thoughts out - or at least not on a regular basis... so maybe this will be a learning tool for me as well, and help me to be able to express myself better and take more chances.
I am a work in progress. I must keep telling myself that. I have been in somewhat of a slump as of late, but am slowing trying to climb my way out of that - and I have to keep believing that I can. Not always an easy thing for me to do - the eternal pessimist!
This move has been an eye opener for me. Life exists outside of me. And not that I was naive in thinking that things stop because I am not there, but I guess by coming back to the West, it has shown me that the clock does continue to tick... and some things may just be too far gone to fix. Sobering thought. There is no going back.
"A camel can do everything, but back up"
Will have to see how things go... and where my path leads me next.
I am a work in progress.
