Inside Out...
My Theme Song...
Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Twenty Keys to a Happy Life
1. Compliment three people everyday.
2. Watch a sunrise
3. Be the first to say "hello."
4. Live beneath your means.
5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated.
6. Never give up on anybody - miracles happen.
7. Forget the Jones's.
8. Remember someone's name.
9. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
10. Be tough minded, but tender hearted.
11. Be kinder than you have to be.
12. Don't forget a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
13. Keep your promises.
14. Learn to show cheerfulness even when you don't feel like it.
15. Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years.
16. Leave everything better than you found it.
17. Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.
18. When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone's day.
19. Don't rain on other people's parades.
20. Don't waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Inconsistencies
I struggle with my inconsistencies
I plan my start
and maybe even start my plan
but then my plan gets somehow lost
in the fuss
of planning another start
and even starting another plan
I struggle with my inconsistencies
I do what I want and I want what I do
until what I do becomes what I don't
and I no longer want what I do
and I want what I do not do
until I do what I did not
and what I now do
becomes what I don't
I struggle with my inconsistencies
I love what I am and I am what I love
until my love becomes what I am not
and I love something else
and I become the something else I love
I struggle with my inconsistencies
and I struggle to become consistent
so much so that now I've come to know
my greatest consistency
lies in my inconsistency
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of that home is gone....it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. It's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
What if the world didn't include so many people of similar circumstance? Would we learn anything... hurt less or hurt more?
It is our hurt that makes us who we are. It's all those Hollywood movies that remind us of who we were. What is it they say about hindsight?
On my way home today I got to thinking. Today is Zoe's 1st birthday. SO much has happened this past year. Wow. I just keep thinking wether or not I have grown up, or remained the same. I think about all that had happened, and I realize that I don't have many problems of my "own". I seem to solve everyone else's problems. Which then makes them my problem I guess. I wonder if that is what I want? Perhaps I don't actually want to deal with my own shit, so maybe I just make myself involved in everyone else's stuff. Maybe that is why I suddenly freak out on people, and get all emotional and irrational, because I don't deal with my feelings and my stuff on a day to day basis!
letting go
it's hard to let go
of the first time i saw you
for my life's been defined
by "before" and "since then"
it's hard to let go
of your very first words to me
they seemed to begin
what i thought had no end
it's hard to let go
of the first time our lips touched
because each kiss that followed
became a new first
it's hard to let go
of the laughter i shared with you
how we played just like children
how we quenched our own thirst
it's hard to let go
of the first time i lay with you
we discovered shared colors
learned to dance our own tune
it's hard to let go
of the hopes that i held for us
the world we created
our own private cocoon
it's hard to let go
but you're nowhere to be found now
and the pain of holding onto
exceeds that of letting go
[my name is]: Jaime
[in the morning I am]: Tired
[all I need is]: sleep
[love is]: unattainable
[if I could see one person right now]: it would my brother
[I'm afraid of]: letting go
[I dream about]: the future
H A V E - Y O U - E V E R ?
[pictured your crush naked?]: lol
[actually seen your crush naked]: lol
[been in love]: yes
[cried when someone died]: yes
[drank alcohol]: yes
[lied]: yes
[coke or pepsi]: Coke
[flowers or candy]: Flowers
W I T H - T H E - O P P O S I T E - S E X ?
[what do you notice first?]: Eyes
[last person you slow danced with]: someone at Heather's wedding I guess
[worst thing to say]: nevermind
[scruff or clean shaven]: a bit of both
[tall or short]: tall
W H O ?
[makes you laugh the most?]: my kids
[makes you smile]: my dog
[gives you a good funny feeling when you see them]: no one
[has a crush on you?]: everyone!
[easier to talk to: boys or girls?]: both
D O - Y O U - E V E R ?
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. u?]: no
[save aol/aim conversations]: no
[cried because of someone saying something to you]: yes
H A V E - Y O U - E V E R ?
[fallen for your best friend]: yes
[been rejected]: yes
[rejected someone]: yes
[used someone]: probably
[been cheated on]: yes
[done something you regret]: nope
W H O - W A S - T H E - L A S T - P E R S O N ?
[you talked to]: Chantal
[hugged]: one of my kids
[you instant messaged]: my mom
[you laughed with]: the girls
D O - Y O U ?
[color your hair]: sometimes
[habla espanol]: ???
H A V E - Y O U ? // D O - Y O U ? / / A R E - Y O U?
[smoke]: I have
[obsessive]: I can be
[could you live without the computer?]: probably not
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: too many
[what's your favorite food?]: souvlaki
[whats your favorite fruit?]: pineapple
[which hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional
[trust others way too easily?]: never
F I N A L - Q U E S T I O N S ?
[I want]: to sleep through the night
[I wish]: upon stars
[I love]: my dog
[I miss]: my brother
[I fear]: falling apart
[I hear]: the tv
[I wonder]: who will show up to play this weekend
FIRSTS
first real best friend: Shannon
first real memory: Calgary
first car: Neon
first date: probably with Bobby
first real kiss: so long ago
first real break-up: Bobby
first job: at my dad's work
first screen name: Jamma_33
first self-purchased album: Janet Jackson
first funeral: Grandfather
first pet: dog
first piercing: ears
first big trip: Dutton
first play/musical/performance: Clarinet
LASTS
last cigarette: a while ago
last car ride: on the way home from practice tonight
last kiss: kissed my dog today
last good cry: a few weeks ago
last library book checked out: a while ago
last movie seen: Redeye
last swear word uttered: shitty
last beverage drank: water
last food consumed: an orange
last crush: lol
last phone call: Chantal
last tv show watched: ER
last time showered: tonight
last shoes worn: running shoes
last cd played: country mix
last item bought: food
last annoyance: parents at work
last disappointment: losing soccer game today
last ice cream eaten: cookies and cream
last time wanting to die: not sure
last time scolded: not sure
last shirt worn: Kuper polo
last webpage visited: GMAA
Heard the absolute best song ever.... am addicted to it! I want to go driving just so that I can play it over and over.
These are the lyrics:
Turn It Up (I Like The Sound Of That)
I like the sound of the ocean crashing
Waves making their way to the beach
I like the sound of the gulf breeze blowing
Holding your hand, the sand on our feet
I like the sound of raindrops dancing
As we sleep away a Sunday afternoon
And I like the sound of the alarm clock ringing
Means I'll spend another day with you
So turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up a little louder
I can never ever get enough
Turn it up, turn it up
Cause whenever I'm around you
You've got me thinking that
I like the sound of that
I like the sound of a fireplace crackling
Watching a movie, holding you tight
Yeah, I love it when I hear you laughing
At that joke I've told a thousand times
And I like the sound of guitars screaming
Music so loud we talk with our eyes
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up a little louder
I can never ever get enough
Turn it up, turn it up
Cause whenever I'm around you
You've got me thinking that
I like the sound of that
I like the sound of your heart beating
In my arms, right here, right now
When it's so quiet I can hear you breathing
That may be my favourite sound
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up a little louder
I can never ever get enough
Turn it up, turn it up
Cause whenever I'm around you
You've got me thinking that
I like the sound of that
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up a little louder
I can never ever get enough
Turn it up, turn it up
Cause whenever I'm around you
You've got me thinking that
I like the sound of that
