Inside Out...
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better,
because I knew you I have been changed for good."
"For years, you devoted your whole love to me, your whole heart, but I could not even spend one-tenth of mine on you. I know that's unfair, and I also know I should not have ended this relationship with unfairness to you. I have gotten everything that I can get from you, but for you, there is nothing you can obtain from me.
The winner in the end, is you, because you can walk away from this relationship without losing anything. On the other hand, I, the loser of love, have lost too much now that it's all over."
What is this about???
Proud To Be An Imperfectionist
I've decided I'm an imperfectionist. I think this is so based on my belief that "a lick and a promise" is sufficient in almost everything I do. You would think that being an imperfectionist is easy. Au contraire. Yeah, it let's you sleep a little later in the morning. Bed hair and a few wrinkles never hurt anyone. And why make the bed when you're just going to be in it in a few hours? That's all well and good, but we imperfectionists have our moments too. Like you know those times when someone is coming to visit, and you have no clue how to suddenly be perfect? Or how about when we get our pictures taken? Our lips are never moist and our smile is always crooked/dumb. The collar on our shirt is up on one side. The cakes we bake always fall. And we only know one mediocre recipe to bring to pot luck...it only has three ingredients at most and takes fifteen minutes. We're the ones who have no problem hemming a skirt with tape. We use safety pins freely and don't think twice. We buy things that don't quite fit because it was a bargain, so it's just fine the way it is. We're easy to please. If we run into someone who knows the right way to set the dining room table, we're awestruck. If we ever made it to the Miss America Pageant, we'd be the one walking across the stage in our bikini with toilet paper stuck to our shoe. We know we will never be the star of anything or win awards. We leave that to the perfectionists. We are truly happy for them. They deserve the accolades. We know how hard it is to get there. We choose not to. We're comfortable. We're imperfectionists and we like it. Kinda like the lyrics in a song "... drinking champagne, my girl she drink malt liquor. She gettin drunk jes the same" Yep. I don't know what our purpose in life is other than making the perfectionists look even better. We may not be legion, but by the looks of things, I'd say we'd make quite a crowd. And if we did get together I'm betting most of us would have toilet paper sticking to or out of something! We imperfectionists would like to say that we rock, but mostly we just roll. It's a good thing.
Have you ever felt like you just want to quit life? Like there’s just too much stuff building on top of each other that you just can’t take it anymore. The problems, the people, the work, the expectations, the letdowns, the responsibilities, the confusion, the decisions, the lack of approval, the lack of acceptance, the attempts to take what life hurls at you and not being able to.
And it’s not just one thing or another, it’s everything.
There are little moments of happiness, but they are futile. Conversations that make you smile, events that make you laugh, but they end. Then you’re always back to where you started from.
Every event that you look forward to only ends up disappointing you in the end. It’s never as good as you want it to be.
How everything you’ve ever worked toward, still isn’t getting you to where you want to be.
You think you’re starting to fit in, but you still don’t.
So you try to pretend that everything’s okay, but you just come to a point where you can’t do it anymore, you don’t want to pretend anymore. You don’t want to try again just to fail. You don’t want to trust again just to be betrayed. You don’t want to work so hard to still not get anywhere.
I know how I should be thinking and I know how I should be feeling, but I’m not. And I can’t force myself to think or feel something else.
And you ask yourself, who am I doing this for? What am I really living for? And there’s no answer.
You long to feel special, you long to be remembered, by at least one single person, but to everyone you’re just another face in the crowd.
Have you ever had a fact that you really believe is true, only to have it turned upside down?
You think you’ve found your niche, the one thing you’re really good at. Only to find out that you’re just average, no better than anyone else. That there are so many people better than you that you didn’t even realize. That you’re struggling to even compete.
Why is it that what you want is never what you end up with.
Have you ever been so completely blindingly furious with someone, yet at the same time want nothing more but to run into their arms and hug them for days?
You think you really know someone, I mean really know someone, and know what they’re gonna think and do. But then they can change without a moments notice, their personalities can just change, their ideas can just change, the way they view life changes.
It’s so fucking scary how people can change so much. Who or what can you really trust? Who out there can you really trust to give a damn about you?
I’m looking for something more, I’m looking for something that I’m not going to find it.
Maybe I’m expecting too much out of life.
Maybe I should just accept who I am and what I’ve been given and just make the best of it. That’s what sappy advice would tell me. But I don’t want to do it, I’m too stubborn for that. I want more. I want my life to be better. I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t think there is anything I can do. I’m sick of hitting that brick wall time and time and time again.
I’m just so sick of it all. I’m sick of trying, I’m sick of pretending, I’m sick of fighting, I’m sick of competing, I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of always losing, I’m sick of feeling like shit. I give up, really, I give up.
Is it all for naught?
Am I back to square one?
Miss you "C"
You took me higher than I've ever been
Now that we're strangers,
I've come down again
Back to the real world, back to the real world, back to the ground
Not high above it, without your loving, now I'm earthbound
Because your love it lifted me above it all
Without it, it's leaving me so far to fall
I hope you find what you're looking for
I never thought there could be anymore
But if you really have to go, you take the high, I'll take the low
But when you leave me don't you know, you leave me earthbound
You took me higher than I've ever been
Now that we're strangers, I've come down again
Back to the real world, back to the real world, back to the ground
Not high above it, up where the love is, now I'm earthbound
Because we used to say that we were far away
Because our love, it took us to another place
And it's so hard for me to face
But if you really have to go, you take the high, I'll take the low
But when you leave me don't you know, you leave me earthbound
If you really have to go, you take the high, I'll take the low
But when you leave me don't you know, you leave me earthbound
Life will constantly throw you many cards. These are cards you will have to play with. The cards will not be your life. The dealer will give you a new hand, but you must first use the cards you have. Use them for good. Make the best of it. Put up with them for the most time you can. You will not always be given a good hand. The dealer will throw you things you cannot use or things that can ruin the entire game. The key is not fold your hand... because then you have to start over, with less than you had to begin with.
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good Whether with or without you
A professor filled a quart mason jar with golf balls and asked if the jar was full.
The professor then asked the other students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more, if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous, "Yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table, and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost, and only they remained, your life could still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles, or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
