Have you ever felt like you just want to quit life? Like there’s just too much stuff building on top of each other that you just can’t take it anymore. The problems, the people, the work, the expectations, the letdowns, the responsibilities, the confusion, the decisions, the lack of approval, the lack of acceptance, the attempts to take what life hurls at you and not being able to.

And it’s not just one thing or another, it’s everything.

There are little moments of happiness, but they are futile. Conversations that make you smile, events that make you laugh, but they end. Then you’re always back to where you started from.

Every event that you look forward to only ends up disappointing you in the end. It’s never as good as you want it to be.

How everything you’ve ever worked toward, still isn’t getting you to where you want to be.

You think you’re starting to fit in, but you still don’t.

So you try to pretend that everything’s okay, but you just come to a point where you can’t do it anymore, you don’t want to pretend anymore. You don’t want to try again just to fail. You don’t want to trust again just to be betrayed. You don’t want to work so hard to still not get anywhere.

I know how I should be thinking and I know how I should be feeling, but I’m not. And I can’t force myself to think or feel something else.

And you ask yourself, who am I doing this for? What am I really living for? And there’s no answer.

You long to feel special, you long to be remembered, by at least one single person, but to everyone you’re just another face in the crowd.

Have you ever had a fact that you really believe is true, only to have it turned upside down?

You think you’ve found your niche, the one thing you’re really good at. Only to find out that you’re just average, no better than anyone else. That there are so many people better than you that you didn’t even realize. That you’re struggling to even compete.

Why is it that what you want is never what you end up with.

Have you ever been so completely blindingly furious with someone, yet at the same time want nothing more but to run into their arms and hug them for days?

You think you really know someone, I mean really know someone, and know what they’re gonna think and do. But then they can change without a moments notice, their personalities can just change, their ideas can just change, the way they view life changes.

It’s so fucking scary how people can change so much. Who or what can you really trust? Who out there can you really trust to give a damn about you?

I’m looking for something more, I’m looking for something that I’m not going to find it.

Maybe I’m expecting too much out of life.

Maybe I should just accept who I am and what I’ve been given and just make the best of it. That’s what sappy advice would tell me. But I don’t want to do it, I’m too stubborn for that. I want more. I want my life to be better. I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t think there is anything I can do. I’m sick of hitting that brick wall time and time and time again.

I’m just so sick of it all. I’m sick of trying, I’m sick of pretending, I’m sick of fighting, I’m sick of competing, I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of always losing, I’m sick of feeling like shit. I give up, really, I give up.

Is it all for naught?

Am I back to square one?

Miss you "C"  ¶ 5:55 PM