Why is it that I am so afraid to be happy? Why am I so afraid to let the good things happen? Why must I question it and doubt and be such a cynic? And why do people put up with me!?! I must be the most difficult person to get along with, in the history of the world. I mean, it is like pulling teeth. I make everybody work for anything! And yet, that's the way it is. I will miss out on things, have no doubt already missed out on things, because I don't believe I am worthy of having good in my life. And who knows what will happen with this situation that has presented itself now. I imagine I will fuck this up too. Wouldn't be the first time. How do I answer all the questions, and ignore all of the looks, and justify it in my head or my heart. How do I make room for another? How do I be all about somebody else, when I am barely all about me? I am starting to get my life on track... heading in the right direction...and now this is potential for disaster. How do I keep my heart safe and guarded when there are people who can penetrate the wall I have so carefully built...just by saying hello. How is that humanly possible? How is it that for a select few, there are no boundaries, and for everyone else, masks and facades.

I can't let this slip away this time. I won't.   ¶ 8:55 PM