GRRRRRRRRRRR

I'm not allowed to be bitchy, antsy, depressed, or even feel... I have to be the strong one. I'm always the one helping others get on their feet, and no one will help me do the same when I need it. It's just one stupid ego pool everyone is in. I'm tired of being there for everyone when they need it, and then they just ignore me like some tool because it's convienent for them.

On top of that, I'm tired of everyone telling me they're going to do one thing, and never follow through. No one thinks I'll be hurt or disappointed. Why tell me you're going to do something, and then blow me off for something totally stupid?

I want to be happy. I really do. It is just so hard to accept happiness sometimes, to believe in it, to have faith that it will not eventually let me down. I want to be a better person. I want to be healthy. I have to tell myself that the good things in my life are not at all too good to be true. I made these good things happen.I queried the agent, the agent did not find me. I am making things happen for me. I can allow myself to wallow in negativity or I can choose a bright path. I can choose to be good.

I am just so scared sometimes. I know there is something inside me that probably goes back to my childhood, from which this fear originates. I can pinpoint the exact moment of trauma that perhaps has caused this fear. I can identify other events in my personal experience that intensified this fear. I will write them all someday. But for now, I must attend to these first baby steps toward healing and becoming content with my life.  ¶ 7:25 PM